Sunday, March 29, 2009

He's Just Not Into You or Is He? Dating Advice

I was recently sitting with a friend over dinner, when she confided to me that she was going to stop seeing the guy she was dating. This was good news as she hadn't been happy with him. She then let me know that she had decided to try a dating service. It was at that moment that the trailer from the movie He's Just Not That Into You popped into my head. Drew Barrymore says something like, 'These days there are all these media outlets to get dumped. He can ignore me via email, text, voicemail, blackberry and facebook." When did dating change to this?

While I was growing up a guy either called you back or he didn't. There was either a message on your answering machine or not. The confusion came only if you were dating two guys named the same name. Plus I thought being able to screen your calls was a good thing :)

And now my friend is going to join a dating service where she decides to talk to a guy after numerous back and forth emails. At one point they both fill out surveys and ask each other questions. Maybe one day they'll meet. Dating has become so removed. Why commit to one guy when you are being sent so many 'connections' to your inbox every day?

A couple of years ago, I was dating a guy named 'Jeremy' that I liked a lot. We seemed to really enjoy each other's company and have a great time. It seemed that all of a sudden he started to not return my calls as often. I guess I should have known that he was no longer interested when he suggested I read the book 'He's Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys.' written by Greg Behrendt. He told me he wanted me to get stronger within myself. He also suggested this book to my friends so they too could understand when a guy wasn't interested in them. 

I confess that I did skim through this book while browsing in a book store and felt that the advice was pretty obvious. Some of the advice was 'If a guy doesn't call you back then he's not interested. If he doesn't call you back after a date, again not interested. If he forgets to call you after you meet his parents, then you deserve better.'

I ask you though, aren't woman practicing these rules already? Or do we all think that we can change him or there's been a mistake if we don't hear from him. Isn't one source better then seven sources to find out that he's not going to show up for a date? Should I encourage my girlfriend to try a matchmaking service?


Anonymous said...

Interesting post. I believe that modern technology is completely changing our socialization - people no longer even need to speak - everything is "cyber." It is actually rather frightening.

I think that it is sad when women in particular, continue to "hope" when the signs are clear that he just isn't that into you.

As for the dating service..that seems to be how people are finding each other...not sure it is for me, but many have experienced success with it.

Char said...

though I think the signs are obvious, the book came about because there are women who deliberately ignore the signs. basically it's this, if you have to chase a guy to get him to notice you, he's not that interested. but he'll keep you in reserve until someone more interesting comes along. we have to be strong enough to be comfortable on our own and not care...then it happens, someone gets past the needy person to the "real" person.

Cora said...

Okay, I'm just going from personal experience here, but I say tell her to go for it.

Myself, I have no luck meeting decent men in person. I'm a nanny, so I'm surrounded by a herd of kids 12 hours a day and I don't do the bar scene, so my chances of meeting a good man are virtually zero. The ones I do meet are clowns looking for a one night stand and nothing more because they think I'm a desperate single mom with a hundred kids. You get the picture. (ahem.)

I have never tried an online dating service because it sounded creepy to me, but I have changed my mind about that recently because of my blog. I have become friends with another blogger. He's a wonderful guy. It started with blogging, then emailing, then phone calls (three hour long phone calls!!), and now plans to meet in my city in April and then his city in May. I can't say for sure it will work out, but I can tell you I know more about this man going into our first date than I could ever possibly know about any guy I might meet in a grocery store or something. And, best yet, we fell for each others personalities, which is soooo important. He's not some guy hitting on me at the gas station because he thought I have a nice butt or something like that, you know? He likes me for the person I am inside, and I feel the same way about him.

I know it's strange a goofy Love Letter blog would turn into a dating tool, but it has. And I'm not complaining.

If it doesn't work out, I have decided I will absolutely try online dating. Absolutely. After blogging, the online aspect of it has lost it's creepiness for me, and I think it's a worthwhile thing to try. And that's how my best friend met her amazing husband! :-)

Best of luck to your friend!

Laura said...

Audrey: I am so glad you liked this post. We all seem to hope don't we? Plus I was encouraged to read the book by a guy I was seeing :) Is that a hint or what? I appreciate your dating advice.

Char: I totally agree. We must feel comfortable within ourselves to then be with someone else. I think we also have to understand that trust is a two way street. I need to trust the person I am with that they may not like what I am saying, but still love them. Have a good weekend Char!

Laura said...

Cora: Cora, cora, cora. Oh wow thank you for your honest feedback and I am so excited to hear about your new possible love interest. Through blogging we have all learned so much about each other's thoughts that I think it would be refreshing to meet someone this way. At a bar is a chance meeting for a love connection. We all want to meet someone and my best friend also met her husband at a single's event :) Good luck and we are all behind you!!

Medicated and Motivated said...

This is a really good post and I agree with you 100%....I believe that if a guy wants to ask you out then he should CALL, not text, email, myspace, facebook, fax or any other form of technology, pick up the phone and call!!! I may be old fashioned, and if I were not in a relationship, I probably wouldn't get asked out on too many dates, because if I guy doesn't call me to ask me for a date, then I'm not going out with him, it's as simple as that. I think part of the problem though is that a lot of women let men get away with this behavior, so the guys think that it is acceptable. Women need to stop letting men be lazy.

And I can't believe that a guy you were dating told you to read that book. Granted, it's a good book and I loved it, but I still can't believe he did that!

Donna Maria said...

All I know Laura is that I am so very glad I am very happily married and I don't have to worry about it!

A thought just popped into my head though....a couple of months back I went out for a night on the town with two other girl friends and half way through the night I think we all agreed that we were pretty lucky to have what we had at home...Andy (husband) also went out with clients a couple of weeks back and he came home and said the exact same thing! So I think I am very glad I am not out there being dumped by email, text or whatever! Xx

Allison M. said...

loved that book in college. All women should know those things but sometimes we still don't.

dating service could be cool, right?

Laura said...

Medicated and Motivated: I think I would be the same single person as you. Maybe we are old fashioned but it makes me hug my honey a little tighter for sure. If I met "the one" through a dating service I might have to tell everyone that I met them on a airplane.

Laura said...

Donna Maria: That's so lovely that everyone is appreciated and loved . There was a scene is when Harry Met Sally and she just moved in with her boyfriend and she says to him "Tell me I'll never have to be out there again."

Laura said...

Allison M: Absolutely. Can't knock it until I try it! Thanx for your comment,

Maggie May said...

I agree with Audrey above..
and now I have that song stuck in my head!!

'Who can it be knockin on my door'

-L said...

I think thats a tuff one. I believe its the safest to go back to basics. With technology its easier to read into something and get the wrong impression.

I hope for the best on her quest for true love though.

Anonymous said...

From my dating friends, I hear them making the same mistakes I made 15 years ago. So no, I don't think we've really wised up all that much. Not when we're talking about our hearts.
But I do have friends who have made good connections through dating services. So?? Who knows?

Porty said...

The sad reality is that if we didn't have hope something good would happen, we wouldn't be dating. So in hope comes a whole heap o' looking past obvious signs in favor toward the happy ending. But as a male in this game of relationships, I can assure you there could be whole libraries written about how women show or "don't show" their interest and we would still never understand the subtle differences. A woman may not return a call but that doesn't mean she's not interested. Or does it. Something about "the game" and playing hard to get and all that. It can be quite vexing :)

Congrats to your friend for recognizing what she has and pushing for what she wants.

Laura said...

Maggie May: Now I'm singing it too! Great comment thanx.

-L: True, true. We can be taken the wrong so much over email which could be very difficult when trying to find a partner. My sarcasm is taken the wrong way all the time.

Jules: Great advice. If you don't try then you'll never know. I think it's great to see what's out there.

Porty: Wonderful to have a guys opinion and yes women give so many mixed signals. I guess that's why they call it the Game of Love.